Getting back to it.

Getting back to it.

I hate summarizing years, but it went like this:

Graduate Teacher Training.  Get Psyched.  Seriously injure foot so it hurt to walk, let alone do yoga.

Heal foot.  Make excuses for a few months.  Finally get back into it and work towards teaching. 

Move.

Find a studio to begin teaching. 

Get rejected by small town community.  End up not teaching.

Stop doing yoga all together.  Make excuses.

Anyways. I am tired of letting small town drama and the insecurities of others tear me down and destroy my practice.  I feel awful. 

But I have to admit I'm not brave enough to face those that hurt me yet, and to be honest, the studios of this town often don't offer classes that fit my schedule (or my practice) so

I'M PRACTICING AT HOME!

I'm using the Cody App online Ashtanga Practice from the amazing and inspiring spit-fire Kino MacGregor to practice daily at home.  I chose this exact video and practice because Kino is small and strong, like me, so I feel able to take on the same things she can.

I chose to take on Ashtanga because it is a challenging series repeated daily.  It requires regularity and discipline (requiring practice 6 days a week).  If you do the practice daily, you will find increased focus, strength and flexibility, without a doubt.  So in a way, it's simple.  I don't have to worry about if a certain class will be what I'm looking for or if I'll connect with the teacher.  I just get up and do it.

So there it is.  Back on track.  A semi-new track.  Looking forward to it!

Oh hey guys.

Finished it.  Nailed it.  Couple weeks ago actually.  Good thing I'm better at teaching yoga than at blogging.


I felt really confident and did really well during my final.  The last few weeks have actually been really busy with my job job, and I've been neglecting my practice since my final.  Next step: I have to sell myself to yoga studios.  Shop around.  Find a good fit.  Get on a sub list.  As far as I can tell it's a full time job to find a yoga job, esp. in a city as over saturated with yogis as Seattle.  But I have faith!!  I really am/will be an excellent teacher.

I have to admit I was not "totally changed" by my teacher training.  I really enjoyed it, for sure, and loved getting a chance to dive into something so great so fully.  I think, however, that a lot of the "life changing" stuff people experience from a yoga teacher training were the parts of yoga I had already been exposed to and which brought me to yoga in the first place.  I am lucky to have come to yoga from a metaphysical perspective... first appreciating meditation, contentment, oneness, etc., etc. and then realizing that the physical asana practice was also something I loved.    For me the most value of the training came from knowing proper alignments and how to safely teach them.

Anyways, I'm really excited to make sharing all of it with others a part of my life.  I know I will be the kind of teacher who keeps people coming back for more.

I just need to get around to writing a(nother) resume.... *grumble grumble grumble

Letting Go -- beyond just the bad stuff

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There is much emphasis on “letting go” these days.  Maybe I am just hanging out with more hippies, or maybe it’s the age we are reaching, but it seems my pinterest and facebook are constantly reminding me that I need to let go of my past to move forward.  I get it.  And frankly, I’m pretty good at it.  I have sold all most of my possessions TWICE in my life and moved somewhere new.  I have “let go” over and over of my old ideas of who I would be to be able to become who I am.  I let go of expectations, of material things, of loves, of habits.  I am pretty decent at recognizing when the old stuff isn’t serving me anymore.  But today, I found an old t-shirt which has made it through my two giant stuff purges and multiple moves, and I looked at it and thought, “I will NEVER get rid of this.”

Whoa.  I don’t have a lot of nevers in my life.  I don’t hang on to much materially, but here I was acknowledging fully that I need that t-shirt forever.  Sure, maybe I’ll lose it.  Maybe, in time, I will change and be able to get rid of it.  In reality there are a plethora of reasons I would part with this shirt, but today I truly visualized my CHILDREN wearing this shirt when it looked all old and vintage.  Right now it looks like this:

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This is the free college-event shirt that I got when I met Maggie Feiss.  Maggie and I would end up best friends by the end of that freshman year.   She taught me a million things about how to be awesome.  She is literally one of the most amazing creatures I have ever met, and she died in 2008.  My father had past away a few months earlier that same year.  It was a time of loss.  Honestly, such deep loss that I often feel like nothing else can really be that bad.    I did what I had to do to get through that time; some of it stupid and some of it good and some of it just normal life. 

And I’m good now.  I have happiness.  I miss my father and I miss Maggie.  It is still a little bit beyond my full comprehension that I will never be able to talk to either of them again, although I know it is true.  But I have done my work and let go.  I have let go of the anger.  Let go of the confusion, of the panic.  Let go of looking for answers in all the wrong places.  Let go of fear of feeling.  Let go of my ideas of what is fair.  Let go of a lot of the pain (okay, some still bubbles up from time to time).

So why not this shirt?  Or the bracelet that was Maggie’s that I never EVER take off, or my father’s 60’s Gibson guitar that is absolutely the first thing I would save in a fire.  Where does this material attachment to memory fit in?  Is it a weakness?  Maybe.  A sign that I have much further to go in my zen journey.  And if I am so attached to this stuff, it is fair to say, that I am also very attached to reminders of these people and these people themselves.  What does “let go” means in regards to a person you have lost?  Should I stop trying to preserve every inch of memory I have of these people?  Terrified that I would forget them for even a single day.  Maggies bracelet serves as a tattoo.  Every time I look at it I remind myself of her, not to forget her and what she taught me.  In essence, NOT to move on.

It is easy to say let’s all LET GO of the bad stuff.  Let go of people who make you feel bad or feelings that drag you down.  Don’t cling on to stuff you don’t need.  But hey, I NEED my dad.  I am CLINGING whole-heartedly to these people (and others) who have left me.  REFUSING to let go of our time together, and in turn, there are certain material items that have come to represent their time in my life. 

Letting go of a loved one is… not easy? Not possible? Not the goal?  Obviously, we must move on and move forward with our lives, but this is actually the easy part.  Life drags us forward.  Even in the worst dark depressions, eventually you will have bills to pay that drag you from your bed and into the light of day.  But how do you balance the remembering those who you will never see again with the importance of  “letting go?”  Obviously, I don’t know yet.

Namaste.

It's time to GROW!

Spring always surprises me.  I think I am over-prepared for the “long winter” everyone keeps talking about, so come early March, when the buds start to form, I’m thinking, “these flowers are ‘cray.’  It’s still winter for another couple months.”  But thankfully, I’m wrong, and the daffodils and hyacinth are soon blooming all over the place, and there is still sunlight at 7pm (with a little help from daylight savings time), and it’s Spring. 

Spring is many a yoga teacher’s favorite time of year, because it’s easy to talk about as a metaphor for your life and practice.  A great time to remind people of their own opportunities for change.  A time to be reborn (note: this is very different from un-die, which is what Jesus did).  I am fully on the “let’s all burst into beautiful flowers this spring” train.  In fact, Spring makes a lot more sense to me as a time to make a change in yourself than New Years.  New Years resolutions are based on a bizarre calendar system that has little to do with anything besides keeping track of what days you need to go to work.  January doesn’t feel like a good time to change; it’s a time to hunker down.  Perhaps you could get away with creating some discipline in something in January, but when it comes to sweeping, growing-type changes, January seems like it’s working against you.

But it’s Spring now, let’s grow!   Here’s how.

Firstly, you must recognize that you can change.  I think to many people, including myself, this is actually the biggest barrier to change.  We say that we want to be different, and we may even say that we know we can be different, but we don’t really truly open our hearts to believing it.  I feel that a very similar problem keeps a lot of people from really knowing love, fyi.   Try this: when you see all the new flowers coming up from the ground, strong and alive after a winter of being half-dead and asleep—and maybe your personal winter of sleep has been very long—recognize that if that little plant can do it, you definitely can.  You have more brains than a plant.  You know how to walk and sing and stuff, so you can def do what a plant can!  (Except for making your own food from the sun, they win there).

Continue to practice recognizing the fact you can change until you actually believe it and feel it.  Hints that you are really feeling it: a smile spreads across your face, you feel like anything is possible, walking feels lighter and more fun, you look more beautiful to yourself in the mirror, you WANT to do those things that you have always said you were going to do RIGHT NOW.  Christians like to call this feeling “Jesus’s love” but I think of it more as seeing clearly.*  If you have truly reached this stage, the actual changing will be much easier.  For instance, you might not desperately crave the sugar you have been trying to eat less of, or you might be inspired to draw a picture instead of watch TV. 

Now the trick is to find this feeling as much as possible. If you have found it once, you can definitely find it again, but it may take some practice.  While you are working on changing, whether you are trying to change something physical, emotional, or otherwise life-related, keep trusting that you can.  I choose to remind myself that “I can actually be different” and “my life can be better” and “I can have everything I dream of for myself” often.  I tend to forget these things, and when I do, everything seems harder.  When things feel hard, I tend to not do them.  So remember change is easy!  Just let it happen. Don’t be fooled into thinking that “let” is a passive thing here.  You must actively create a belief that change can happen, and once you do, the rest will be a lot easier. 

*Yoga Lesson: Seeing clearly could be considered the ultimate goal of yoga.  The meditation and lifestyle practices of yoga are meant to help you see truthfully.  It is taught that one’s perceptions are clouded by avidya or obstacles, which keep us from “clear understanding”.  This includes ego, attachment, rejection, and fear.  The vritti are the movements of the mind, or the things the mind does besides seeing clearly.  The teachings of yoga include many tools that we can use to work to get past all of these things and be in a state of clarity (sattra). 

Perfection

I found out last weekend in training that I have an "excessive" carrying angle in my elbow.  This isn't a disease or problem, it's kind of more like people who can hyperextend their elbows, its just sort of weird.  Here's what I'm talking about:   I'm more like the one on the right.  Also when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader, (look at you, thinking you know me) and was learning how to pick girls up  when something happened to my shoulder.  It didn't fully dislocate, but it hurt bad enough to make me cry, and from then on I had to be the back spotter (lame :P), but I'm pretty sure my shoulder doesn't move in my socket correctly now, and cheerleading might be to blame.  Yes, that's right, I am the girl who got hurt cheerleading, so that all cheerleaders could talk about how dangerous their sport really is.  (Ha. ha.  I don't think it's a sport, don't worry, neither is cross country.)

SO anyways...  I am constantly thinking about my stupid shoulder in yoga.  It pops when I try to put it in the "safe" position, where it wraps forward.  It is much easier and more comfortable to "sink" into my shoulder joint.  Every single time I raise my arms about my head, whether for utthita hastasana in tadasana or downward facing dog, I have to consciously re-position my shoulder.  Sometimes when listening to a teacher's cue's I just can't do it.  My right shoulder can "wrap" just fine, but my left one won't budge.  Or they say to spin my biceps to face each other, and I AM but really its just my carrying angle that makes it super easy for my biceps to be where they are supposed to while my shoulders are still not where they are supposed to be.  It's frustrating.  I thought if I did yoga enough it would fix itself.  The joint would figure it out and stop popping; my muscles would get stronger and I'd look perfect by now; but so far... nope.  My postures have improved and my arms are stronger, but my shoulder is still something I have to think about and work on.  And as I was settling into my savasana after a pretty good class on Tuesday I thought to myself "Why is my shoulder such a problem.  I just want to be able to be perfect."

Cue the Tibetan bowls, ding, ding ding!  DUH!  It's okay to be imperfect.  My shoulder is imperfect because we have imperfections.  I am a human being.   I have to do yoga and work with my postures as best I can with what I am given.  I cannot will my body to be a perfect yoga body and come into every posture with beauty and ease.  And that's fine.

That's actually the whole freaking point.  That whatever I can do, whatever work it takes, whatever the posture that is right for me looks like, that is MY perfect intended posture in that moment.  Maybe it will change over time.  Maybe it won't.  It's fine.  Yoga teaches us to acknowledge and accept our imperfections.  Physical and otherwise.  It makes no more sense for me to be frustrated with my wonky shoulder than it does to pout and hate myself over the fact I sometimes (okay, often) put my foot in my mouth.  We are all imperfect and that won't change (well, maybe you can be a buddha one day... idk).  We can get better and work hard with all our imperfections, but no changes will ever come if we aren't first okay with having them.  My shoulder forces me to focus and work harder, not to frustrate me and make me feel inferior, but to remind me to make peace with myself, exactly as I am.

So I urge you to remind yourself often, that you are okay just as you are.  That if you never changed or improved, you would still be "perfect." I don't mean just fine or acceptable.  You are in fact, a perfect and complete being right now, exactly as you are.


Namaste.

First Impressions: try not to be so crazy.

I have been going to a different studio.  1) because I have 20 included free classes at YogaTree with the YTT 2) because I think its a good idea to see different styles and ways people teach, etc, and 3) because the Groupon was a stupid good deal, and I'm saving a ton of money. 

Im going to a "hot yoga" studio.  I have no idea where these things came from or why they are so popular, but honestly it's harder to find a studio that isn't heated these days than it is to find a hot one.  It is full of lululemon girls.  which UGH.  Kill me.  It's not just that lululemon clothes are stupid expensive and status-symboly bullshit, but because that company and the people who run it are devils and there is nothing yogic about them at all.  Here read this: Boycott Lululemon  (and yes I know they replaced the CEO, that's like Walmart replacing the CEO, not enough to stop sucking ass).  BUT I give all these girls (okay most of them) the benefit of the doubt.  I believe it is great they are doing yoga, regardless of any less-than-enlightened reasons for doing it, and I am glad they are there.  Onto more important issues: I've only gone three times to this new studio, but I have already been reminded on some glaring problems I have with some yoga teachers.

Disclaimer, I'm aware that some of this is coming from the innate fear of change I have brought with me to this studio, and I am trying to be patient as I learn to love these new teachers and understand their lingo, etc.
But here is my advice to my future yoga teacher self or any of you currently teaching out there.

1.  DON'T drip sweat on new students.
2.  DO introduce yourself and ask your students' names.  It goes a million miles toward being someone that person wants to like.  I actually get all anticipatory of the introductory conversation, how I'll smile and tell them that I'm new to the studio but not to yoga, maybe mention my shoulder has been acting up today... but the conversation doesn't come.  They just start class, and they have this stupid look on their face, and I hate the patronizing way they just smiled at me.  (see how the end of that sentence could probably have been avoided)
3.  DON'T be patronizing, even if, no, ESPECIALLY IF you are dealing with a new student who has no idea what you are talking about or has trouble following your vague instructions.  Be very careful, in fact, of even sounding the least bit patronizing; work harder than you think you need to to not sound like you think the person is a child.  There is a very fine line between a soothing yoga teacher voice, and the voice we use to mock console a toddler who just fell on his face. 
4. DON'T overuse unique words.  Even words that were okay once or twice become really outlandish and irritating if you say them for every movement.  I don't want to "undulate" into my up-dog.  That sounds creepy.  Leave me alone.

but DO "Use your authentic voice."

This is one of the things we talk about in my training.  If you aren't you, teaching the class you want to teach, it won't work.  Maybe you'll complete a class, and maybe it will even be  pretty good one that some people enjoy, but it won't work out in the end.  You won't be relateable or human and that can turn a lot of students off.  You won't feel at ease and it will translate to the practice.  And frankly, you probably won't enjoy yourself, so why teach yoga at all?  If you teach the way that works for you and are true to yourself, probably some students won't love your class and won't come back.  That's okay.  If I don't connect with a teacher, it's my choice to not come back, they shouldn't try to change what they feel is important for me to stick around. 

Except the sweating on people thing, check yo'self.


Namaste.

Sacrifice

For those of you not fully versed in the history of yoga, I offer you a very brief intro:  A thousand or so  years before Christ (isn't that still what BC means?)  There were a bunch of teachings or "vedas."  They said all sorts of crazy stuff.  The really early ones (3000 BCish)said a lot about fire sacrifices and chanting priests.  But then after that stuff, the "Upaneshads" offered some new theories about what sort of sacrifice was necessary to connect to your Divinty.  There is the all-so-important sacrifice of the ego or closely related sacrifice of your actions (ala the Bhagavad Gita), but to many of the early followers and students, there was also the sacrifice of "earthly pleasures."  This meant that to truly study and and find your higher Self, you should remove yourself from society and go off into the woods and study and wear simple clothes and basically starve yourself all the time.  It looked like this:






Luckily for me, most modern "Westernized" yogic practices have moved past this understanding of sacrifice.  A lot of Tantric practices even encourage you to partake. Read some Osho stuff... he's ALL ABOUT THE PLEASURE (sometimes to a gross point).

Anyways, this is all only pertinent because I unknowingly signed up for A LOT of sacrifice.  There is obviously the sacrifice of a bunch of time and money, which I happily signed up for, but I have also come face to face with a real and difficult problem.  I cannot get a job.  I have one part time job that DOES NOT pay my bills, and I really don't enjoy but am hanging on to for long-term reasons.  I actually would happily quit that job if something better came along, but I'm not even upset that I still don't have a "career."  I am upset because I just want to be a barista (or a bartender).  I thought it'd be no problem to pick up a couple shifts somewhere.  But apparently, noon to 6 on Saturday and Sunday is an unacceptable time to not be around. This week alone I had three great interviews, each ending with the inevitable "We think you would be a really great fit here and would love to have you on, but we can't hire you with your 'limited availability'."  Which 1) that's using "limited" quite loosely.  There are literally 12 hours I can't work all week and am completely available at all other times and 2) fuck you.

I am an awesome employee.  I FUCKING LOVE making coffee and getting up at 5:30 in the morning to do it.  I am way too smart to have career aspirations like barista or bartender, and will be able to run your store more efficiently than you are currently running it in less than a month.  I honestly like smiling at everybody who walks in your door and trying to help them have a great day.  I know that it makes more sense for them to hire someone who can work whenever, so they can be a lazy asshole when they make their schedule and not worry about thinking too hard about it.  I completely understand where they are coming from, but FUUUUUUUUUCK.   I am so tired of resumes and interviews (which why don't you just ask me on the phone if I'm available weekends, or better yet, read the goddamned online form it took me 45 minutes to fill out that asked for my availability?).  I am tired of not being able to buy new clothes when all my old ones have holes.  I am tired of staying home to save money, and skipping brunch, because what do I look like a Customer Service representative?  I don't have that kind of cash!  I am really tired of craftily convincing people to buy me beers at bars and then being sheepish about accepting them.  I'm tired.

So anyways, to do my YTT I am sacrificing a lot.  It kind of blows. 

Sorry for whining.  Namaste.