So fucking scared

So I leave tomorrow. I spent yesterday cleaning out my apartment. Giving away or throwing away about 80-90% of everything I own. Eerie.

I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I am more scared or more sad. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of leaving and regretting it, and looking silly for coming home. I know how shitty it can feel to be alone, and I am so scared to feel that way again.

And I am sad. Sad to leave the friends it took me so very long to make here. Sad to leave the comfort it too me so very long to find here. Sad to leave the new people I've just met, and the old people I truly love. I can't help but wonder what I'm going to miss out on here. This is a problem I often have. Never content to be happy where I am. Always wondering whats going on some where else. In this very second, I feel like Lawrence will have the cool stuff I don't want to miss out on.

I know I will make my own memories. I know my life will be better no matter what. I'll be stronger no matter what. I know I will meet amazing people and have so much fun.

But right now, I am just so fucking scared.

skin

So I've been sleeping naked a lot lately. I feel like its an exercise in totally and fully being comfortable with myself. I'm about to embark on a trip where all I've got is myself, and I want to know every inch of me before I go. Be perfectly confident in it. I like how soft my skin is. I am amazed at the way my body regulates its own temperature. God, I love my breasts and the shapes they make on my chest when I wake up in the morning with the blankets disheveled. They are totally perfect. They are smaller than they were two years ago, and I miss the old ones, but the new ones are pretty cool too. I like the way my cats face feels on my shoulder. Sometimes he isn't touching my skin and I'll go out of my way to throw my arm under him, connecting our warms (yup, warms).

When I used to sleep naked (okay, sometimes by way of "passing out") I would wake up a few hours later feeling exposed and throw on a t-shirt or underwear to fix it. Haven't had those moments lately. Its good. Don't like them.

I should also mention I live on the ground floor with giant sliding glass doors for windows. And I leave the blinds open so I can wake up to the woods and birds and squirrels. But last week I totally woke up to a utility worker walking around in my back yard. I was definitely naked. Oh well.

before me....

Before me lies the edge of the world. I am on my way there running.

-from a papago song

before...

I have about six weeks before I go. Sometimes I am scared out of my mind.

I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine. ~Caskie Stinnett