change of plans

So I'm coming clean. I'm putting it all out into the internet universe, because there are 9000 steps I need to go through in order to deal with my life right now, and admiting this as publicly as i can make myself seems important.

I got dumped. I am heart broken. I literally peeled myself out of a pool of tears and got on the next flight home from cape town after he told me. Some grand gesture, usually reserved for movies, but you know me.... i hop on planes. I think even getting on the plane I knew it was futile; knew I was coming home not to save anything but to say good-bye. I figured at the very least, I was going to make him watch me collapse in pain, if thats what it came to.

Luckily it didn't. I am awesome and handled everything better than anyone imagined I could. I am understanding. I manage to convince Trent to do what our relationship deserves and celebrate our love for a few more days, talk about it all, cry together. He was also wonderful and agreed to do those things, even though it was harder than the dump someone over a payphone and start sleeping with other people instead of dealing with your emotions way he had planned on. We both tried to be brave. I love him and he loves me, and somehow we aren't going to be together anymore despite those facts.

Am I okay? No. I am a freaking mess. I am all over the board: sad and scared and angry and even occasionally excited. I cry. I send him texts when I shouldn't. I self-medicate. I cry. I avoid music and movies for the obnoxious presence of love in EVERYTHING. When I'm not doing that I cruise the internet for options of what to do next... because here I am. I have no commitments to anything or anyone. I have no home. No job. No bills. No responsibilities. No people to leave behind. I am completely free. I am in a position people find enviable, but no one has any idea what to actually do when you can do anything. I also find that the only thing i really want to do is move home to Trent and start the life I'd been planning on... but people tell me that desire will fade with time (please whoever is in charge of this... make it fade faster).

So thats that.


An additional note: Yoga has proved a window to my soul this week. Firstly, I find that I can't hold even the simplest balance poses. I am TRULY off balance right now. It is so scary having to remember how to balance just as yourself again. And hip openers notorious for releasing all the emotions that we hold in our hips, are some of the most gruelling experiences I've put my body (and mind) through. Not only did I cry, borderline sob, while holding half pigeon, but I actually have felt very physically ill from this pose every time I've done it this week. Talk about releasing toxins... ugh. but found this new mantra I'm going to give a shot: I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and joy and can release old patterns and emotions that no longer serve me. I am loved. I am safe.

Beaverlac!

lisa and xoli getting all wet
me sunning myself from the top of a giant boulder

BEAVERLAC!

I’ve mentioned that people here are reminding me of the true definition of “welcoming.” As a great example, Janna, the director of the Earthchild Project planned a big camping trip for her 30^th birthday (among other events) and not only invited me after only knowing me 3 weeks, but found me rides and mattresses and tents and all the necessities. So I spent last weekend camping at Beaverlac!

A short walk from the campsite are all these natural pools along a river. There are big flat rocks to lay on and climb about on (I got semi-stuck during some of my personal adventures on these rocks, but I enjoy problem solving, so its okay). There are “fufi slides,” which in context are just flat rocks you can slide on, lots of places to jump from, waterfalls to enjoy, and hikes. Honestly, I spent too much time eating and laying in the sun to worry about that last one. Anyways, here’s a couple pics so you can all be jealous of me and my cool African friends playing in a river.

As a side note, there are lots of Jews in South Africa. I had no idea! It never even occurred to me that Jewish people would have made their way to the bottom of Africa… but they did. In droves! Most of my friends here are Jewish. Its also interesting because there is a lot of pride and camaraderie in their Jewishness, even though most of them practice more meditation, yoga, and other hippie spiritual activities far more than I’ve ever seen them practice anything Jewish. BUT South Africans are very interested in where you come from. You’re clan, your race, your history. I think the Jewish pride I’m experiencing is another manifestation of this cultural tendency that isn’t such a big deal in America, where most of us consider ourselves Americans first and our other backgrounds distant seconds.

All my love!

live from the "Wellness cafe" at the "wellness warehouse"

Cape town is rocking my socks. I am SOOOOO much happier here. People are fun and friendly and cool. Bounced from couch to couch for the first week, but now I'm moved into my apt that Im sharing with two other mid-twenties awesome chicas (well actually one just stays in her room all day, but really i find that a nice quality in roommates). I live on Kloof street in a penthouse that is located next to a restaurant everyone knows and loves and hangs out at... arnolds. I am down the street from a health food mega store and cafe where I spend way too much time (im there now actually). The vibe is sort of Santa Monica. I am just 5 minutes from Long street which is the sort of well known center of town. happenin bars and cute clothes and millions of backpackers and all that.

The Earthchild Project is happy to have me on board and I've jumped right into things. Ive been out with the garden clubs a couple times and been working on some office-type stuff as well to really lend a hand. The staff is incredibly friendly inviting me to dance classes and free yoga and out to eat and giving me couches to sleep on when i needed them. Im going on a hike with a bunch of grade 7s this weekend. Very exciting.

Ive been hiking like crazy. I am literally walking distance to the mountains... because the mountains are sort of IN the city. Table mountain, lions head, devils peak... for those of you like... huh. you can go look em up.

Good food and cafes are every where (my money is disappearing much faster here as well). This city feels like San Francisco except its actually affordable. My room in one of the nicest parts of town on the top floor with a crazy view of the city and table mountain costs me less than the room i rented in a house in Lawrence. Soooooo eat it.

Is that enough of an update. Sorry no funny stories or anything. all my love to all of you.

I can totally make this!

So i went for a hike this morning on my own at 5:45 am. The misty mountains are amazing in the am. So quiet and beautiful and this hike actually took me through viney green forests in the mist (a rarity in this lumber capital).

But the trouble was getting to the actual trail, i sort of had to make my own way. I had been around the area before but didn't quite know the best way to cross this stream that stood between me and my goal. I walked for a while to where I thought I could cross it then back tracked to a place i thought i could cross it, but I didn't want to backtrack all the way to where i KNEW i could actually cross it via log bridge... so I took a good look at this big ole stream. somewhere between 6-10 feet across... clean water... good banks.... If I just found the right spot I could totally make it by jumping.

I walked up and down a while, thought I'd found it and tossed my bag across. It was after the bag toss that I realized... i probably couldn't make it. But too late. Long story short... i jumped... and ended up up to my thighs in cold mud and water. I'm practically Bear Gryllis, so I clambered quickly up onto the bank... but i by no means can say that i "made" the jump. I then rolled up my muddy, soaking-wet jeans and kept on to the rest of the hike. I celebrated my success with a breakfast buffet at a classy hotel, ruining everying for all the other guests with my hap-hazard appearance.

But you know what, I am super glad I jumped. I (embarassingly) can't help but see that stream experience as a metaphor for my time here so far. I took a leap, and you know what, I didn't make it... but all you can do is pull yourself out. and in the end, the jump was awesome and exhilarating and I'm really proud of myself for attempting it. How many people can honestly say they would try to jump it? Most would go back to the bridge. I am the kind of girl who jumps, even when she knows deep down she isn't gonna make it.

Well if thats movin up, baby, I'm movin out.

Its official. I am moving on. My time here has ended (well I ended it 7 weeks early). I just wasn't happy, fulfilled, or useful. So... I am moving to Cape Town. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to any of you that know me, that I would just move away. Par for the course that is my life.

My epiphany of how badly I needed to get out of here came last weekend. We went out for pizza at the Pot N Plow. There were two American boys there who were stopping in town before heading to the Waterberg. Long story short, I drunkenly piled into a car with three drunk dudes and a deaf housekeeper and drove 5 hours in the middle of the night to god knows where. I ended up spending the next day with Terry, an easy going middle-aged bald South African. I spent three hours in a mall in Pretoria (malls are still huge here). We had a nice braai (bbq) and looked at the stars and talked about life and the universe and marriages and all sorts of stuff, and the next day I drove with him and some of his staff back to Haenertsburg (he was on his way to his lodge by Kruger). It ended up being great. HOWEVER... it was absolutely stupid of me to have gone. It could have ended horribly. I could have been raped and kidnapped and murdered. My gut, which is usually right, told me these things weren't going to happen; but god, I never SHOULD have gotten in their car and drove off. I realized it was an absolute act of desperation to be free of my current location, companions, and situation. I realized (with the help of my wise mother) that it was time to throw in the towel.

So Cape Town, here I come! I will be working with the Earthchild Project (http://www.earthchildproject.org/). I will be subletting... errrr... somewhere. I will be hanging out with PYRO!!! Woot woot!

Spring Fest 2010!

Since the very first day we got here, locals have been like, “Oh! Have you heard about the Spring Festival coming up? Its so great you’ll be here for it!” and Im thinking… awesome. Big spring celebration, sounds like a great time to be around town. Apparently it brings in unprecedented levels of tourism to the area and people come from all over Limpopo. Even some people from Jo-burg come! This must be some great event!

At some point I was warned that it probably wasn’t like the fairs I was used to in America. SO okay, I erased the tilt-a-whirl from my imagination, and moved more into the livestock and baking contest kind of fairs. No biggie. I was still assured it would be a good time and it was great I’d get to see it. Even when someone finally admitted that it was just people setting up booths in the town hall, I kept my hopes high. There would be excitement and lots of people. One (of the two) local taverns advertised a Spring Party for a week. I was jazzed.

Well, the Spring Fair has happened! And I hurried down to the town hall see the booths. Okay… the pride and joy of Haenertsburg, nay, Limpopo tourism is… a craft fair. Not a good craft fair. Not even an especially big craft fair. This is more like those weird Christmas craft fairs in the gym they take elementary school kids to so they can buy gifts for their parents (I personally went for soap-on-a-rope shaped like a football for my dad and Christmas earrings for my mom). I’m not kidding. Besides the tables of homemade soap, jam, watercolor landscapes, and the occasional baked good, there was a woman who really believed in the power of pyramids and wanted to share this with anyone who would listen and had adorned her booth with some plywood pyramid frames to show you what she really meant. Another entire table (which I never actually saw manned) was devoted to those metal umbrella things you put over food when you eat outside to keep the flies off; each one painted white with glued on fake flowers. I was disappointed to say the least (although I still attended the spring party along with a couple dozen other tavern regulars). It wasn’t a total loss, however. The highlight of my fair experience was a personal hula hoop lesson from some people who had come to help their mom at the “pay point” and had finagled their hippy way onto the schedule. I was the only person who came, by the way.

South Africa… more like a Dutch retirement community than you might have guessed

Have you been to the Kruger park?

sunrise at the campsite
me and an elephant, aint no thing.

We went to Kruger National Park a week ago. Now you may be picturing me bouncing around in a land rover through fields of zebra and lions, but sadly this is not the case. It’s in fact more like when your family drives around town to look at the Christmas lights. There were 5 of us packed into an Opel. We just drove around through Africa style woods and plains and saw lots of birds. We also saw lots of elephants and zebras and plenty of cool things, but it hardly even felt like we were in the bush.

Except that the first night, when we arrived at our camp site, which btw had been arranged by a tri-city group of Rotarians we were joining, it was dark, and hyenas were already on the prowl around the fence. They just circle all the fenced camping areas waiting for stupid people to throw raw meat and scraps to them. Awesome. After our traditional Braai (ie BBQ) and lots of Afrikaaners shooting the shit, we heard some awful noises coming from the bush and of course ran towards them. A man shown a floodlight on the ruckus just in time to see two hyenas finish ripping an impala apart and begin to devour it. For those who don’t know, hyenas have powerful jaws used to crushing bones, which they then just eat (and thusly pooping bright white). So we watched and listened to the sound of their meal; bones breaking in their mouths. It was amazing.

We heard and saw some really wonderful things that weekend. A civet, really far away sleeping lions, elephants charging the car, baby rhinos (who by the way are once again dwindling due to poaching problems, crocs, hippos discussing who’s river it was, and so on and so forth. You should try it some time (although Ngorogoro in TZ is way better).