I got dumped. I am heart broken. I literally peeled myself out of a pool of tears and got on the next flight home from cape town after he told me. Some grand gesture, usually reserved for movies, but you know me.... i hop on planes. I think even getting on the plane I knew it was futile; knew I was coming home not to save anything but to say good-bye. I figured at the very least, I was going to make him watch me collapse in pain, if thats what it came to.
Luckily it didn't. I am awesome and handled everything better than anyone imagined I could. I am understanding. I manage to convince Trent to do what our relationship deserves and celebrate our love for a few more days, talk about it all, cry together. He was also wonderful and agreed to do those things, even though it was harder than the dump someone over a payphone and start sleeping with other people instead of dealing with your emotions way he had planned on. We both tried to be brave. I love him and he loves me, and somehow we aren't going to be together anymore despite those facts.
Am I okay? No. I am a freaking mess. I am all over the board: sad and scared and angry and even occasionally excited. I cry. I send him texts when I shouldn't. I self-medicate. I cry. I avoid music and movies for the obnoxious presence of love in EVERYTHING. When I'm not doing that I cruise the internet for options of what to do next... because here I am. I have no commitments to anything or anyone. I have no home. No job. No bills. No responsibilities. No people to leave behind. I am completely free. I am in a position people find enviable, but no one has any idea what to actually do when you can do anything. I also find that the only thing i really want to do is move home to Trent and start the life I'd been planning on... but people tell me that desire will fade with time (please whoever is in charge of this... make it fade faster).
So thats that.
An additional note: Yoga has proved a window to my soul this week. Firstly, I find that I can't hold even the simplest balance poses. I am TRULY off balance right now. It is so scary having to remember how to balance just as yourself again. And hip openers notorious for releasing all the emotions that we hold in our hips, are some of the most gruelling experiences I've put my body (and mind) through. Not only did I cry, borderline sob, while holding half pigeon, but I actually have felt very physically ill from this pose every time I've done it this week. Talk about releasing toxins... ugh. but found this new mantra I'm going to give a shot: I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and joy and can release old patterns and emotions that no longer serve me. I am loved. I am safe.
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